Skip to main content

We Teach People How to Treat Us








If we close our eyes, we can all visualize a child whining in our ears, complaining, "She did this to me!" "He did that!" It wasn't that hard to imagine, was it? Well, this time, picture an adult doing the same thing? Is that difficult for you to "see"? 


Let's be honest. Is this something you're guilty of? Yeah, I know. People are capable of doing some very cruel things, unimaginably at times when we least expect them. But what was your response to their behavior? Did your reaction to the situation tell the person you would accept this or similar behavior from them in the future? I'm not saying you should cut people off for the slightest offense. But you, me, we teach people how to treat us. We show them both what we will and will not tolerate. 




Communication is key. No one can advocate for you better than you. You are fully aware of what you do and do not like. If you don't like how someone treated you or the way something made you feel, say it. Sometimes, a person may not realize what they said or did was offensive. Other times the person realizes precisely what they did. Both times you are responsible for teaching them, you won't accept their behavior. We can't expect people to know what we want or what we will or won't accept. It's our responsibility to communicate our needs, desires, and expectations to the people we hold relationships with. Tell the person how their words or actions made you feel. If you are a person whose temper or attitude can go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds or less, a conversation should happen after you've given yourself a moment to calm down. If you need a day or two to have a cooling-off period, then take the time to do so. But you should speak with the person before you give the offense time to fester, so don't wait too long to address the issue. 


There was a time in my life when I expected people to independently realize what was wrong or telepathically understand how they offended me. The expectation was unfair to them as well as myself. People aren't mind readers as much as we'd like them to be at times. Placing the expectation on others takes away our responsibility of articulating what is or isn't appropriate behavior to us.




When we neglect to address the issues by having these "uncomfortable" conversations, we are giving the offender license to commit continued offenses. If the situation is not discussed, the actions or undesirable language will go on. Addressing the issue makes the person aware of how they treat you. It officially gives them notice of what you have defined as acceptable. It also helps them to appreciate that their unacceptable behavior will not be tolerated. You teach the people you are in a relationship how to treat you. 


If someone chooses to continue these actions after communicating the negative impact their deeds have had on you, you must determine one of two things. First, will continuing the relationship be damaging to your mental

health. If so, what's the reason for keeping it? Second, if

you decide to keep the relationship, how will you change

the person's ability to access you? Simply put, the

interactions with this individual should happen on your

terms, at moments and instances that you deem

acceptable.


How do you want to be treated? What is needed to help you establish and maintain healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationships? Once you've decided what that is, never negotiate your terms. Your values are non-

negotiable. Never compromise what you desire from your

relationships. You can't control what people do, but you

can certainly control your response to their actions. It's time for you to find your voice. Ready. Set. Unmute!



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Magic of Restart

Although I am well into my forties I can avidly remember my childhood as if it were yesterday. Running races, playing hide and seek, blowing bubbles, building masterpieces in the sandbox, watching Sesame Street, or making wishes and believing they would come true. My all-time favorite go-to move was the classic do-over.  If you played a game and you didn't like the way things were going, no worries, you could simply run to base, start over again, yell "Time out" "Freeze" or request a do-over and you just like that you would receive a fresh start or the game would stand still until you were ready to play again.   I naively thought life  would come equipped with this capability as well. If things g ot too tuff I could simply yell out "Time Out" and all  of my worries and cares would effortlessly come to a s tandstill. After I regained my composure life co uld  begin again after  I was good and ready to opt back in.    Imagine my surprise when I...
Post a Comment
Read more

Pressurized

  Have you ever thought about how some of the most invaluable assets of our world came to be? We rarely consider the processes that are involved in refining gold, diamonds or other precious stones. We simply admire the finished project without regarding the sweat equity that produced these beautiful and costly items.  Pressure is defined as constant physical force that is applied to or against an object. Many of the world's precious treasures that are here today would cease to exist with the absence of pressure. Although the process of pressurizing an object can be a burdensome and tenuous task; I think we'd all agree it's worth it.  Diamonds are formed from carbon that is buried, deep beneath massive layers of earth. They are put under intense pressures equaling 725,000 pounds per square inch. Next, they are exposed to extreme temperatures totalling 2,200 Fahrenheit.    Once found they must be cleaned, sorted and inspected. Only a small number of these diamonds...
4 comments
Read more

Live your life outside of the lines

I can remember learning how to color back in kindergarten. My teacher would hold up a perfectly colored coloring sheet that she provided as an example of how the completed assignment should l ook. Next, she handed out the blank coloring sheets and gave the instructions on how to successfully complete the task. Excited, everyone would pull out their set of crayons and begin to color. She would walk through the rows of desks looking at the humble beginnings of these future masterpieces. Occasionally, she would remind us, "Children, remember to stay inside of the lines."Once completed, she would ensure names were on all the coloring sheets and then proceed to hang them up on the bulletin board for everyone to see.        Having your artwork on display for the teacher, classmates and parents was a really big deal. Everyone one would huddle around the bulletin board to determine who submitted the " best" and "worst" work. The inspections were alw...
4 comments
Read more