If we close our eyes, we can all visualize a child whining in our ears, complaining, "She did this to me!" "He did that!" It wasn't that hard to imagine, was it? Well, this time, picture an adult doing the same thing? Is that difficult for you to "see"?
Let's be honest. Is this something you're guilty of? Yeah, I know. People are capable of doing some very cruel things, unimaginably at times when we least expect them. But what was your response to their behavior? Did your reaction to the situation tell the person you would accept this or similar behavior from them in the future? I'm not saying you should cut people off for the slightest offense. But you, me, we teach people how to treat us. We show them both what we will and will not tolerate.
Communication is key. No one can advocate for you better than you. You are fully aware of what you do and do not like. If you don't like how someone treated you or the way something made you feel, say it. Sometimes, a person may not realize what they said or did was offensive. Other times the person realizes precisely what they did. Both times you are responsible for teaching them, you won't accept their behavior. We can't expect people to know what we want or what we will or won't accept. It's our responsibility to communicate our needs, desires, and expectations to the people we hold relationships with. Tell the person how their words or actions made you feel. If you are a person whose temper or attitude can go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds or less, a conversation should happen after you've given yourself a moment to calm down. If you need a day or two to have a cooling-off period, then take the time to do so. But you should speak with the person before you give the offense time to fester, so don't wait too long to address the issue.
There was a time in my life when I expected people to independently realize what was wrong or telepathically understand how they offended me. The expectation was unfair to them as well as myself. People aren't mind readers as much as we'd like them to be at times. Placing the expectation on others takes away our responsibility of articulating what is or isn't appropriate behavior to us.
When we neglect to address the issues by having these "uncomfortable" conversations, we are giving the offender license to commit continued offenses. If the situation is not discussed, the actions or undesirable language will go on. Addressing the issue makes the person aware of how they treat you. It officially gives them notice of what you have defined as acceptable. It also helps them to appreciate that their unacceptable behavior will not be tolerated. You teach the people you are in a relationship how to treat you.
If someone chooses to continue these actions after communicating the negative impact their deeds have had on you, you must determine one of two things. First, will continuing the relationship be damaging to your mental
health. If so, what's the reason for keeping it? Second, if
you decide to keep the relationship, how will you change
the person's ability to access you? Simply put, the
interactions with this individual should happen on your
terms, at moments and instances that you deem
acceptable.
How do you want to be treated? What is needed to help you establish and maintain healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationships? Once you've decided what that is, never negotiate your terms. Your values are non-
negotiable. Never compromise what you desire from your
relationships. You can't control what people do, but you
can certainly control your response to their actions. It's time for you to find your voice. Ready. Set. Unmute!
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