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You Get What You Allow.



If you don't know, let me tell you, romantic relationships in 2021 are not for the weak. Truthfully, if I'm going to be brutally honest, relationships have never been easy. The saying "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" is certainly more than a notion. But it goes even deeper than that. We all come into relationships with emotional baggage, history of failed relationships, upbringing, preconceived ideas, unspoken expectations, etc. There should be no surprise why most relationships that are started with the best of intentions usually fail miserably. Whether the relationship looks like a fairytale or it's as toxic as they come, the simple truth is you get what you allow.
 
3 years ago, my husband and I finally separated after a 7-year rocky marriage. To his credit he could be
 extremely giving, helpful, and supportive, There are many things that I would not have accomplished without having him by my side. So what was the problem in the marriage? Was there a raging list of issues that prevented us from having our happily ever after? Nope. There was only one -- he didn't trust me and our marriage was a nightmare because of it. 




After some time I began dating again. I met this guy who I felt extremely drawn to. We could talk for hours about any and everything. I shared with him all of the details of my mistakes in my previous relationships, things about my childhood, and the grief I was experiencing due to the recent death of my daughter,
 
I gave him a detailed account of why my marriage failed. He silently listened to my every word. I told him I refused to be with someone who could no 
trust me. Instantly, he told me he wanted us to have a committed relationship. Although I felt a strong attraction and we appeared to be very compatible I didn't want to jump into anything too fast. I told him I wasn't interested in committing to a relationship at the moment. We had just met, and I thought we both needed more time to see where things could lead. I was fine with the idea of us casually dating. I was upfront about my desire for both of us to continue seeing other people. He assured me he was interested in dating anyone else. He told me he would patiently wait. We both agreed to the terms and our relationship began.

At first, he made a lot of jokes about my social media presence and he frequently commented on my interactions with the opposite sex. He had an off-beat sense of humor that I liked and I thought his comments were hilarious. I loved his ability to make me laugh because the laughter disguised my tears. He seemed to be in touch with his feelings. He had no problem expressing his desire to be with me and no one else. He seemed to be very genuine, kind, attentive, and considerate. It seemed too good to be true. It was.

Suddenly, there they were red flag after red flag. I started noticing his constant jokes weren't innocent remarks after all. These statements were his true feelings disguised with laughter. His obsession with looking to see who interacted with me on social media and whether or not we had previously dated began to grow. I told him my concerns about his comments and behaviors that looked all too familiar. With each passing day, he began reminding me more and more of my ex. He tried to reassure me that I was wrong and that wasn't the case. I continued seeing the signs yet I foolishly continued seeing him. 


He insisted if we were in a committed relationship it would somehow fix everything. I knew this to be a lie. But I continued seeing him because I was drawn to him and at this point, I had begun to develop feelings for him. As a result, I stopped seeing anyone else and I decided to go against my better judgment and enter into a committed relationship with him. I gave him my word-- something I truly prize. We both jumped in and made our relationship social media official.



The relationship
 can be summed up by these two
 conflicting phrases. "Heaven on earth" and "A living hell" respectively. One moment it could be amazing, the next minute I was wondering why I allowed myself to be in this predicament. I knew better. Yet, despite all of the warning signs, I signed up to be constantly accused of cheating, have my every move scrutinized, dissected, and picked apart. No proof of cheating. Just his feelings and his track record of failed relationships. Despite having the code to my phone, our extensive time spent on the phone with one another, and the routine time we spent together it just wasn't enough if I had hha minute to myself, he felt the need to accuse me with baseless accusations. After 11 months the relationship ended as abruptly as it started.

Our breakup is still very fresh and there are parts of me that want to try and reconcile. But I know that trying to smooth things over is just dragging out the inevitable. We aren't good for one another and it isn't healthy for us to be together. Continuing our relationship will only cause us both more pain.

I know this is going to sound crazy, but he's an amazing person. He's simply carrying around a lot of baggage from previous relationships. I hope he takes the time to speak with a therapist to deal with the pain of past betrayals before he decides to jump into another relationship. As for me, I have no desire to begin dating at the moment. I plan to speak with my therapist about my behaviors and take some time for myself so I can begin to heal. I wish him the best and hope he receives the healing he needs as well. 

If you would have asked me a week ago who was at fault for my last two failed relationships. I would have put all of the blame on them. I would've complained, "Look what they've done to me!" But the truth is I am as much at fault as they are. I allowed myself to be in these relationships. I made excuses and tried to accept the unacceptable because I felt like I had a deep connection with these men. I ignored how I was feeling and drowned out the voice of reason. I permitted both men to treat me like a suspected criminal. Ultimately, it was up to me to take my power back. I had to find my voice and do what was right for both of us. It took a while but I finally did. 

What about you? Are you rationalizing your flawed relationship by trying to accept the unacceptable? Are you making excuses or are you constantly telling yourself things will magically get better. If so, what are willing to do to change it?

 The power lies within you. Take an inventory of your relationship, if your bad days outweigh your good days it's time for you to decide if what you are fighting to hold onto is worth it. If you're desperately trying to shrink yourself into a relationship that doesn't fit -- end it. Talk with a trusted friend or professional who can help you find the inner strength to leave. You can't change anybody but you can change what you allow. You can do it! It's time for you to become empowered.
 Let's start this journey together. Ready. Set. Unmute.








 





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